Wedding Jokes

Do you need some humor to insert into your best man speech? Try some of these quotes and jokes from some of histories most famous people!


1. Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is.

— Diane Ackerman

2. A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.

— Joseph Addison

3. Marriage is more than four bare legs in a bed.

— Hoshang N. Akhtar

4. In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.

— Elizabeth Ashley

5. I married beneath me. All women do.

— Lady Nancy Astor, attributed

6. Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.

— Marcus Aurelius

7. It is always incomprehensible to a man that a woman should ever refuse an offer of marriage.

— Jane Austen

8. Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

— Jim Backus

9. Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

— Ray Bandy

10. In the past decade or so, the women’s magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just

as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how

to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they

take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.

— Dave Barry

11. Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other’s nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

— Dave Barry

12. If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.

— Lynda Barry

13. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

— Baskins

14. A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

— Baudelaire

15. I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.

— Adel Bestavros

16. The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

— Ambrose Bierce

17. I date this girl for two years–and then the nagging starts: “I wanna know your name.”

— Mike Binder

18. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

— David Bissonette

19. Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.

— Countess of Blessington

20. Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner.

— Amy Bloom

21. Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.

— Victor Borge

22. One survey found that ten percent of Americans thought Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife….

— Robert Boynton

23. For a male and female to live continuously together is…biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition.

— Robert Briffault

24. My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

— Lenny Bruce

25. Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.

— Mary Buckley

26. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

— Anthony Burgess

27. In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.

— Samuel Butler

28. No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

— Honore de Balzac

29. The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.

— Honore de Balzac

30. You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.

— Jonathan Carroll, Outside the Dog Museum

31. If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

— Johnny Carson

32. Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

— David Chambless

33. If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.

— Chekhov

34. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.

— Cher

35. Love means to love that which is unlovable; or it is no virtue at all.

— G. K. Chesterton

36. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

— G. K. Chesterton

37. The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.

— G. K. Chesterton

38. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

— Agatha Christie

39. The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

— S. T. Coleridge

40. The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.

— Jilly Cooper

41. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

— Irwin Corey

42. I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again.

— Noel Coward

43. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

— Joan Crawford

44. A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.

— Fr. Jerome Cummings

45. Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words.

— Fr. Jerome Cummings

46. Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.

— Cass Daley

47. I’d marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead within a year.

— Bette Davis

48. Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.

— Lord Dewar

49. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about “short” and “cheap”?

— Phyllis Diller

50. Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.

— Phyllis Diller

51. It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being.

— Benjamin Disraeli

52. Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

— Ken Dodd

53. More than kisses, letters mingle souls.

— John Donne

54. Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.

— Isadora Duncan

55. Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.

— François de La Rouchefoucauld

56. It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.

— François de La Rouchefoucauld

57. There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations.

— François de La Rouchefoucauld

58. Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty and women their happiness.

— Madame de Rieux

59. Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

60. We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us.

— Mme de Staël

61. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

— Albert Einstein

62. A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

63. There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is

written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.

— Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

64. Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

— Rose Franken

65. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.

— Benjamin Franklin

66. Ne’er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.

— Benjamin Franklin

67. There are three great friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

— Benjamin Franklin

68. Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

— Benjamin Franklin

69. Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.

— Sigmund Freud

70. Never be possessive. If a female friend lets on that she is going out with another man, be kind and understanding. If she says she would like to go out

with the Dallas Cowboys, including the coaching staff, the same rule applies. Tell her: “Kath, you just go right ahead and do what you feel is right.” Unless you actually care for her, in which case you must see to it that she has no male contact whatsoever.

— Bruce Jay Friedman

71. A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behaviour. Unless she’s really attractive.

— Bruce Friedman

72. Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says: “I need you because I love you.”

— Erich Fromm

73. Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference.

— Libbie Fudim

74. Choose a wife by your ear than your eye.

— Thomas Fuller

75. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

76. Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

77. I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

78. I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

79. I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

80. It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is

created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.

— Khalil Gibran

81. It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

— Andre Gide

82. We love because it’s the only true adventure.

— Nikki Giovanni

83. There is nothing so wrong in this world that a sensible woman can’t set it right in the course of an afternoon.

— Giraudoux

84. We look forward to the time when the power to love of will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.

— William Gladstone

85. Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

86. There is a courtesy of the heart; it is allied to love. From it springs the purest courtesy in the outward behaviour.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

87. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

— Sidney Goff

88. Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.

— Roy Goodman

89. It is a known fact that men are practical, hard headed realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn’t charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar.

— Jane Goodsell

90. When Baby’s cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I’d known that he’d be frozen stiff. My wife said,

“George, I’m so unhappy! Our darling’s now completely frappe!”

— Graham

91. Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind.

— James Graham

92. If I were a girl, I’d despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.

— Robert Graves

93. I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

— Lewis Grizzard

94. A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

— Sacha Guitry

95. An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren’t.

— Sacha Guitry

96. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

— Sacha Guitry

97. Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart, firmfleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair.

— Jonathan S. Haas

98. Two souls with but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one.

— Fredrich Halm

99. People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.

— John Harrigan

100. The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism.

— Heidi Hartmann, The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism

101. Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.

— Louise Hay

102. The story of a love is not important – what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.

— Helen Hayes

103. Never judge someone by who he’s in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.

— Cynthia Heimel

104. When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.

— Cynthia Heimel, “Lower Manhattan Survival Tactics” in Village Voice

105. Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.

— Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, Lazarus Long

106. If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

— Katharine Hepburn

107. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

— Katharine Hepburn

108. Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony.

— Oliver Herford

109. Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.

— John Heywood

110. Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness.

— M. Hirschfield

111. When you’re away, I’m restless, lonely Wretched, bored, dejected; only here’s the rub, my darling dear,

I feel the same when you are here.

— Samuel Hoffenstein

112. Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.

— Lisa Hoffman

113. There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and elighting

their friends.

— Homer, Odyssey, ninth century B.C.

114. There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomachs.

— Barbara Howar

115. A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

— Edgar Watson Howe

116. A man who marries a woman to educate her falls a victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.

— Elbert Hubbard

117. The love we give away is the only love we keep.

— Elbert Hubbard

118. A compliment is like a kiss through a veil.

— Victor Hugo

119. Life is the flower for which love is the honey.

— Victor Hugo

120. Love, I find, is like singing. Everybody can do enough to satisfy themselves, though it may not impress the neighbours as being very much.

— Zora Neale Hurston

121. Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its


— D. H. Lawrence

122. I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not.

— Robert G. Ingersoll

123. It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are

indispensable to take it off!

— Douglas Jerold, 1858

124. Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.

— Samuel Johnson

125. The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.

— Margo Kaufman

126. The real test of friendship is: Can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy together those moments of life that are utterly simple? They are the moments people looks back on at the end of life and number as their most sacred experiences.

— Eugene Kennedy

127. Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.

— Jean Kerr

128. To love another person is to help them love God.

— Søren Kierkegaard

129. Everybody can be great… because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb

agree to serve. you only need a heart full of grace. a soul generated by love.

— Martin Luther King, Jr.

130. Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.

— Martin Luther King, Jr.

131. Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. the foundation of such a method is love.

— Martin Luther King, Jr.

132. I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

— Sam Kinison

133. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

— Marvin Kitman

134. Marriage is a lottery, but you can’t tear up your ticket if you lose.

— F. M. Knowles

135. To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.

— Lao Tzu

136. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.

— Lynn Lavner

137. Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

— Stephen Leacock

138. Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.

— Michael Leunig

139. She’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.

— Oscar Levant, to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo’s fiancée

140. I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.

— Abraham Lincoln, in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838

141. With the catching end the pleasures of the chase.

— Abraham Lincoln

142. Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him.

— Rich Little

143. An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.

— Harold Loukes

144. It’s true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, “Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then.”

— Lyle Lovett, musician, upon marying actress Julia Roberts, 1994

145. We seek the comfort of another. Someone to share and share the life we choose. Someone to help us through the neverending attempt to understand

ourselves. And in the end, someone to comfort us along the way.

— Marlin Finch Lupus

146. There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage

— Martin Luther

147. Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.

— John Lyly

148. For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain.

— Lyster

149. In endowing us with memory, nature has revealed to us a truth utterly unimaginable to the unreflective creation, the truth of immortality….The most ideal human passion is love, which is also the most absolute and animal and one of the most ephemeral.

— George Santayana, Reason in Religion

150. Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

— Marx Groucho, the film “Animal Crackers”

151. In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end.

— Herman Mankiewicz

152. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

— Dick Martin

153. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

— Groucho Marx

154. Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

— Groucho Marx

155. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

— Groucho Marx

156. Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.

— Groucho Marx

157. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

— Jackie Mason

157. Love is what happens to men and women who don’t know each other.

— W. Somerset Maugham

159. Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

— W. Somerset Maugham

160. In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others.

— André Maurois

161. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

— James Holt McGavran

162. Marriage was all a woman’s idea and for man’s acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful.

— Phyllis McGinley

163. Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.

— Margaret Mead

164. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

— H. L. Mencken

165. Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.

— H. L. Mencken

166. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.

— H. L. Mencken

167. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

— H. L. Mencken

168. Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails.

— H. L. Mencken

169. Men have a much better time of it than women: for one thing they marry later, for another thing they die earlier.

— H. L. Mencken

170. We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

— H. L. Mencken

171. Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest.

— H. L. Mencken

172. Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.

— Dr. Karl Menninger

173. A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.

— Moliere

174. A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

— Michel de Montaigne

175. Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

— Michel de Montaigne

176. Age does not protect you from love but love to some extent protects you from age.

— Jeanne Moreau

177. If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.

— Lisa Moriyama

178. A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.

— Christopher Morley

179. Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.

— Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

180. The absolute yearning of one human body for another particular body and its indifference to substitutes is one of life’s major mysteries.

— Iris Murdoch

181. A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

— Ogden Nash

182. To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

183. Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few.

— George Jean Nathan

184. A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust.

— Nanette Newman, British actress

185. A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

186. Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

187. True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.

— Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, First Part: On Reading and Writing

188. Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

— P. J. O’Rourke

189. The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.

— Blaise Pascal, Pens&eactue;es, trans. A.J. Krailsheimer

190. The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.

— Blaise Pascal, Pensées, trans. A.J. Krailsheimer

191. No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first.

— Cesare Pavese

192. To be able to say how much love, is love but little.

— Petrarch

193. We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.

— Agnes Repplier

194. Love is like the measles. The older you get it, the worse the attack.

— Mary Roberts Rhinehart

195. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.

— Rainer Maria Rilke

196. Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.

— Rainer Maria Rilke

197. This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love; the more they give, the more they possess.

— Rainer Maria Rilke

198. Laundry increases exponentially in the number of children.

— Miriam Robbins

199. The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

— Tom Robbins

200. It doesn’t much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else.

— Rogers

201. I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

— Will Rogers

202. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

— Helen Roland

203. To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and to finish without knowing what you have written.

— Jean Jacques Rousseau

204. A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

— Helen Rowland

205. In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.

— Helen Rowland

206. When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

— Helen Rowland

207. When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

— Helen Rowland

208. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

— Rita Rudner

209. Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

— Rita Rudner

210. Friends need not agree in everything or go always together, or have no comparable other friendships of the same intimacy. On the contrary, in

friendship union is more about ideal things: and in that sense it is more ideal and less subject to trouble than marriage is.

— George Santayana

211. The lover knows much more about absolute good and universal beauty than any logician or theologian, unless the latter, too, be lovers in disguise.

— George Santayana

212. To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.

— Arthur Schopenhauer

213. The course of true love never did run smooth.

— William Shakespeare

214. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

— William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act i. Sc. 1.

215. Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts.

— William Shakespeare, King Henry the Sixth

216. It is most unwise for people in love to marry.

— George Bernard Shaw

217. Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.

— George Bernard Shaw

218. Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

— George Bernard Shaw

219. Morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married.

— George Bernard Shaw

220. The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal consistency of the women who love me.

— George Bernard Shaw

221. The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

— George Bernard Shaw

222. Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person that loves you enough chance to love you enough.

— Dinah Shore

223. Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence.

— Sydney Smith

224. Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing any one who comes between them.

— Sydney Smith

225. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: “Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly.” Otherwise, what could have been a

proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

— Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

226. By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.

— Socrates

227. One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.

— Sophocles

228. Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.

— Herbert Spencer

229. I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.

— Adela Rogers St. John

230. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

— Gloria Steinem

231. Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

— Gloria Steinem

232. A beauty is a woman you notice; A charmer is one who notices you.

— Adlai Stevenson

233. Like a prune, you are not getting any better looking, but you are getting sweeter.

— N. D. Stice

234. Love is stronger than justice.

— Sting

235. Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.

— Billy Sunday

236. To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.

— Karen Sunde

237. Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball.

— Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand

238. ‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.

— Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam, 1850, line 27, stanza 4

239. I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.

— Mother Teresa

240. We can do not great things – only small things with great love.

— Mother Theresa

241. Love is blind — marriage is the eye-opener.

— Pauline Thomason

242. God help the man who won’t marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

— Benjamin Tillett

243. The first duty of love is to listen.

— Paul Tillich

244. If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

— Lily Tomlin

245. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

— Lana Turner

246. Women’s liberationists spread the word that…the only peaceful family is one in which either the wife is enslaved or the husband is androgynous.

— R. Emmett Tyell, The Liberal Crack-Up, 1984

247. That is the best — to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.

— Gloria Vanderbilt

248. Marriage isn’t a word… it’s a sentence.

— King Vidor, in the 1928 film, The Crawl

249. Infatuation is when you think that he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Conners, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford–but you’ll take him anyway.

— Judith Viorst

250. Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.

— Judith Viorst

251. Love is the same as like except you feel sexier.

— Judith Viorst

252. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.

— Andy Warhol

253. Beware you be not swallowed up in books! An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge.

— John Wesley

254. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.

— Mae West

255. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.

— Mae West

256. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

— Oscar Wilde

257. Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable.

— Oscar Wilde

258. Marriage is the one subject on which all women agree and all men disagree.

— Oscar Wilde

259. Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.

— Oscar Wilde

260. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.

— Oscar Wilde

261. Who, being loved, is poor?

— Oscar Wilde

262. Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.

— Marianne Williamson

263. Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our

hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.

— Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

264. We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.

— Shelley Winters

265. I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

— William Butler Yeats, from “He wishes for the cloths of heaven”

266. I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

— Henny Youngman

267. You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

— Henny Youngman

268. Keep an eye out for those little tell tale signs in your relationship……….like if you see that the milkman’s wearing your socks …Or the postman starts

calling round on a Sunday.

269. When you first get married remember to sort out who the boss is. Then do everything she says.

270. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once

271. Getting married for sex is like buying a ticket on a plane for the peanuts

272. All the reasons of a man cannot outweigh a single feeling of a woman

– Volataire

273. If it has tyres or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it

– Jo Brand

274. The difference between man and a battery is a battery has a positive side

275. Men are like lino floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them

276. Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands

277. No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas

– Ashleigh Brilliant

278. Better to have loved a short man than to have never loved at all

– David Chambless

279. Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage

– Ambrose Bierce

280. Good to see you’ve finally met Mr Right. I bet you had no idea his first name is Always…

281. Woman are like banks. Breaking and entering is a serious offence

282. It’s OK to laugh in the bedroom, as long as you don’t point

283. He can count his lovers in one hand, as long as he’s holding a calculator

284. Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.

– Woody Allen

285. Men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like the

fire. They’re very exciting but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

– Jerry Seinfeld

286. Remember. If you smoke after sex, it means you’re doing it too fast

– Woody Allen

287. Men say the most important thing in a woman is a sense of humour. That means he’s looking for someone to laugh at his jokes

288. Choosing a woman is like choosing a car – we all want a Ferrari, sometimes a pick-up, but all end up with a station wagon

– Tim Allen

289. If you think woman are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets over to your side

290. The best way to get your husband to do anything is to suggest that he is too old to do it

– Felicity Parker

291. No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes

– George Coote

292. Woman want to be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. Men just want

tickets for the cup final.

– Dave Barry

293. I’ve been reading up on the differences between men and woman. I read, the rules, the mars and Venus books, the secret, dating for dummies, and here’s the real difference: Woman buy the books

294. If there had been 3 wise woman instead of 3 wise men, they’d have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, and bought disposable

diapers as gifts

– Jill Wood

295. Men read maps better than woman because only a male mind could conceive

of an inch equalling a hundred miles

– Roseanne

296. A man in the house is worth two in the street

297. It’s not the man in your life that counts, it’s the life in your man

– Mae West

298. A hard man is good to find

– Mae West

299. Men talk to woman so they can sleep with them, and woman sleep with men so they can talk to them

– Jay McInerney

300. A man is already 1/2 way in love when he finds a woman who will listen to him