Do you need some humor to insert into your best man speech? Try some of these quotes and jokes from some of histories most famous people!
1. Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is.
— Diane Ackerman
2. A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.
— Joseph Addison
3. Marriage is more than four bare legs in a bed.
— Hoshang N. Akhtar
4. In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.
— Elizabeth Ashley
5. I married beneath me. All women do.
— Lady Nancy Astor, attributed
6. Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
— Marcus Aurelius
7. It is always incomprehensible to a man that a woman should ever refuse an offer of marriage.
— Jane Austen
8. Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
— Jim Backus
9. Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
— Ray Bandy
10. In the past decade or so, the women’s magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just
as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how
to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they
take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.
— Dave Barry
11. Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other’s nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.
— Dave Barry
12. If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.
— Lynda Barry
13. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
— Baskins
14. A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.
— Baudelaire
15. I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.
— Adel Bestavros
16. The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.
— Ambrose Bierce
17. I date this girl for two years–and then the nagging starts: “I wanna know your name.”
— Mike Binder
18. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
— David Bissonette
19. Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.
— Countess of Blessington
20. Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner.
— Amy Bloom
21. Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.
— Victor Borge
22. One survey found that ten percent of Americans thought Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife….
— Robert Boynton
23. For a male and female to live continuously together is…biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition.
— Robert Briffault
24. My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.
— Lenny Bruce
25. Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.
— Mary Buckley
26. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
— Anthony Burgess
27. In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.
— Samuel Butler
28. No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
— Honore de Balzac
29. The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
— Honore de Balzac
30. You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.
— Jonathan Carroll, Outside the Dog Museum
31. If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
— Johnny Carson
32. Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
— David Chambless
33. If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.
— Chekhov
34. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
— Cher
35. Love means to love that which is unlovable; or it is no virtue at all.
— G. K. Chesterton
36. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
— G. K. Chesterton
37. The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
— G. K. Chesterton
38. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
— Agatha Christie
39. The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
— S. T. Coleridge
40. The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
— Jilly Cooper
41. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
— Irwin Corey
42. I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again.
— Noel Coward
43. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
— Joan Crawford
44. A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.
— Fr. Jerome Cummings
45. Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words.
— Fr. Jerome Cummings
46. Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.
— Cass Daley
47. I’d marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead within a year.
— Bette Davis
48. Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
— Lord Dewar
49. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about “short” and “cheap”?
— Phyllis Diller
50. Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller
51. It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being.
— Benjamin Disraeli
52. Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
— Ken Dodd
53. More than kisses, letters mingle souls.
— John Donne
54. Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
— Isadora Duncan
55. Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.
— François de La Rouchefoucauld
56. It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.
— François de La Rouchefoucauld
57. There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations.
— François de La Rouchefoucauld
58. Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty and women their happiness.
— Madame de Rieux
59. Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
60. We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us.
— Mme de Staël
61. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
— Albert Einstein
62. A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
63. There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is
written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
— Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
64. Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
— Rose Franken
65. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin
66. Ne’er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.
— Benjamin Franklin
67. There are three great friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
— Benjamin Franklin
68. Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
— Benjamin Franklin
69. Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.
— Sigmund Freud
70. Never be possessive. If a female friend lets on that she is going out with another man, be kind and understanding. If she says she would like to go out
with the Dallas Cowboys, including the coaching staff, the same rule applies. Tell her: “Kath, you just go right ahead and do what you feel is right.” Unless you actually care for her, in which case you must see to it that she has no male contact whatsoever.
— Bruce Jay Friedman
71. A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behaviour. Unless she’s really attractive.
— Bruce Friedman
72. Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says: “I need you because I love you.”
— Erich Fromm
73. Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference.
— Libbie Fudim
74. Choose a wife by your ear than your eye.
— Thomas Fuller
75. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
76. Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
77. I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
78. I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
79. I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
80. It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is
created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.
— Khalil Gibran
81. It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
— Andre Gide
82. We love because it’s the only true adventure.
— Nikki Giovanni
83. There is nothing so wrong in this world that a sensible woman can’t set it right in the course of an afternoon.
— Giraudoux
84. We look forward to the time when the power to love of will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.
— William Gladstone
85. Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
86. There is a courtesy of the heart; it is allied to love. From it springs the purest courtesy in the outward behaviour.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
87. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
— Sidney Goff
88. Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.
— Roy Goodman
89. It is a known fact that men are practical, hard headed realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn’t charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar.
— Jane Goodsell
90. When Baby’s cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I’d known that he’d be frozen stiff. My wife said,
“George, I’m so unhappy! Our darling’s now completely frappe!”
— Graham
91. Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind.
— James Graham
92. If I were a girl, I’d despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.
— Robert Graves
93. I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
— Lewis Grizzard
94. A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.
— Sacha Guitry
95. An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren’t.
— Sacha Guitry
96. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
— Sacha Guitry
97. Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart, firmfleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair.
— Jonathan S. Haas
98. Two souls with but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one.
— Fredrich Halm
99. People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.
— John Harrigan
100. The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism.
— Heidi Hartmann, The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism
101. Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.
— Louise Hay
102. The story of a love is not important – what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
— Helen Hayes
103. Never judge someone by who he’s in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.
— Cynthia Heimel
104. When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.
— Cynthia Heimel, “Lower Manhattan Survival Tactics” in Village Voice
105. Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.
— Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, Lazarus Long
106. If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
— Katharine Hepburn
107. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
— Katharine Hepburn
108. Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony.
— Oliver Herford
109. Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
— John Heywood
110. Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness.
— M. Hirschfield
111. When you’re away, I’m restless, lonely Wretched, bored, dejected; only here’s the rub, my darling dear,
I feel the same when you are here.
— Samuel Hoffenstein
112. Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.
— Lisa Hoffman
113. There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and elighting
their friends.
— Homer, Odyssey, ninth century B.C.
114. There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomachs.
— Barbara Howar
115. A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.
— Edgar Watson Howe
116. A man who marries a woman to educate her falls a victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.
— Elbert Hubbard
117. The love we give away is the only love we keep.
— Elbert Hubbard
118. A compliment is like a kiss through a veil.
— Victor Hugo
119. Life is the flower for which love is the honey.
— Victor Hugo
120. Love, I find, is like singing. Everybody can do enough to satisfy themselves, though it may not impress the neighbours as being very much.
— Zora Neale Hurston
121. Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its
duration.
— D. H. Lawrence
122. I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not.
— Robert G. Ingersoll
123. It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are
indispensable to take it off!
— Douglas Jerold, 1858
124. Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
— Samuel Johnson
125. The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.
— Margo Kaufman
126. The real test of friendship is: Can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy together those moments of life that are utterly simple? They are the moments people looks back on at the end of life and number as their most sacred experiences.
— Eugene Kennedy
127. Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.
— Jean Kerr
128. To love another person is to help them love God.
— Søren Kierkegaard
129. Everybody can be great… because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb
agree to serve. you only need a heart full of grace. a soul generated by love.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.
130. Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.
131. Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. the foundation of such a method is love.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.
132. I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
— Sam Kinison
133. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
— Marvin Kitman
134. Marriage is a lottery, but you can’t tear up your ticket if you lose.
— F. M. Knowles
135. To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.
— Lao Tzu
136. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.
— Lynn Lavner
137. Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
— Stephen Leacock
138. Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.
— Michael Leunig
139. She’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
— Oscar Levant, to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo’s fiancée
140. I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.
— Abraham Lincoln, in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838
141. With the catching end the pleasures of the chase.
— Abraham Lincoln
142. Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him.
— Rich Little
143. An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.
— Harold Loukes
144. It’s true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, “Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then.”
— Lyle Lovett, musician, upon marying actress Julia Roberts, 1994
145. We seek the comfort of another. Someone to share and share the life we choose. Someone to help us through the neverending attempt to understand
ourselves. And in the end, someone to comfort us along the way.
— Marlin Finch Lupus
146. There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage
— Martin Luther
147. Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
— John Lyly
148. For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain.
— Lyster
149. In endowing us with memory, nature has revealed to us a truth utterly unimaginable to the unreflective creation, the truth of immortality….The most ideal human passion is love, which is also the most absolute and animal and one of the most ephemeral.
— George Santayana, Reason in Religion
150. Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
— Marx Groucho, the film “Animal Crackers”
151. In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end.
— Herman Mankiewicz
152. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
— Dick Martin
153. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx
154. Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
— Groucho Marx
155. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
— Groucho Marx
156. Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
— Groucho Marx
157. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
— Jackie Mason
157. Love is what happens to men and women who don’t know each other.
— W. Somerset Maugham
159. Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.
— W. Somerset Maugham
160. In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others.
— André Maurois
161. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
— James Holt McGavran
162. Marriage was all a woman’s idea and for man’s acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful.
— Phyllis McGinley
163. Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
— Margaret Mead
164. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
— H. L. Mencken
165. Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.
— H. L. Mencken
166. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
— H. L. Mencken
167. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
— H. L. Mencken
168. Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails.
— H. L. Mencken
169. Men have a much better time of it than women: for one thing they marry later, for another thing they die earlier.
— H. L. Mencken
170. We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
— H. L. Mencken
171. Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest.
— H. L. Mencken
172. Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
— Dr. Karl Menninger
173. A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.
— Moliere
174. A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
— Michel de Montaigne
175. Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
— Michel de Montaigne
176. Age does not protect you from love but love to some extent protects you from age.
— Jeanne Moreau
177. If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.
— Lisa Moriyama
178. A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.
— Christopher Morley
179. Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.
— Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
180. The absolute yearning of one human body for another particular body and its indifference to substitutes is one of life’s major mysteries.
— Iris Murdoch
181. A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
— Ogden Nash
182. To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
183. Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few.
— George Jean Nathan
184. A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust.
— Nanette Newman, British actress
185. A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
186. Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
187. True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.
— Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, First Part: On Reading and Writing
188. Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
— P. J. O’Rourke
189. The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.
— Blaise Pascal, Pens&eactue;es, trans. A.J. Krailsheimer
190. The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.
— Blaise Pascal, Pensées, trans. A.J. Krailsheimer
191. No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first.
— Cesare Pavese
192. To be able to say how much love, is love but little.
— Petrarch
193. We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.
— Agnes Repplier
194. Love is like the measles. The older you get it, the worse the attack.
— Mary Roberts Rhinehart
195. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
— Rainer Maria Rilke
196. Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
— Rainer Maria Rilke
197. This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love; the more they give, the more they possess.
— Rainer Maria Rilke
198. Laundry increases exponentially in the number of children.
— Miriam Robbins
199. The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
— Tom Robbins
200. It doesn’t much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else.
— Rogers
201. I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.
— Will Rogers
202. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
— Helen Roland
203. To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and to finish without knowing what you have written.
— Jean Jacques Rousseau
204. A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
— Helen Rowland
205. In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.
— Helen Rowland
206. When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
— Helen Rowland
207. When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.
— Helen Rowland
208. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
— Rita Rudner
209. Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
— Rita Rudner
210. Friends need not agree in everything or go always together, or have no comparable other friendships of the same intimacy. On the contrary, in
friendship union is more about ideal things: and in that sense it is more ideal and less subject to trouble than marriage is.
— George Santayana
211. The lover knows much more about absolute good and universal beauty than any logician or theologian, unless the latter, too, be lovers in disguise.
— George Santayana
212. To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.
— Arthur Schopenhauer
213. The course of true love never did run smooth.
— William Shakespeare
214. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
— William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act i. Sc. 1.
215. Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts.
— William Shakespeare, King Henry the Sixth
216. It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
— George Bernard Shaw
217. Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.
— George Bernard Shaw
218. Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
— George Bernard Shaw
219. Morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married.
— George Bernard Shaw
220. The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal consistency of the women who love me.
— George Bernard Shaw
221. The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
— George Bernard Shaw
222. Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person that loves you enough chance to love you enough.
— Dinah Shore
223. Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence.
— Sydney Smith
224. Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing any one who comes between them.
— Sydney Smith
225. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: “Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly.” Otherwise, what could have been a
proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
— Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894
226. By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
— Socrates
227. One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.
— Sophocles
228. Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.
— Herbert Spencer
229. I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
— Adela Rogers St. John
230. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
— Gloria Steinem
231. Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
— Gloria Steinem
232. A beauty is a woman you notice; A charmer is one who notices you.
— Adlai Stevenson
233. Like a prune, you are not getting any better looking, but you are getting sweeter.
— N. D. Stice
234. Love is stronger than justice.
— Sting
235. Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.
— Billy Sunday
236. To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.
— Karen Sunde
237. Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball.
— Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand
238. ‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.
— Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam, 1850, line 27, stanza 4
239. I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.
— Mother Teresa
240. We can do not great things – only small things with great love.
— Mother Theresa
241. Love is blind — marriage is the eye-opener.
— Pauline Thomason
242. God help the man who won’t marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.
— Benjamin Tillett
243. The first duty of love is to listen.
— Paul Tillich
244. If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
— Lily Tomlin
245. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
— Lana Turner
246. Women’s liberationists spread the word that…the only peaceful family is one in which either the wife is enslaved or the husband is androgynous.
— R. Emmett Tyell, The Liberal Crack-Up, 1984
247. That is the best — to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.
— Gloria Vanderbilt
248. Marriage isn’t a word… it’s a sentence.
— King Vidor, in the 1928 film, The Crawl
249. Infatuation is when you think that he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Conners, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford–but you’ll take him anyway.
— Judith Viorst
250. Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
— Judith Viorst
251. Love is the same as like except you feel sexier.
— Judith Viorst
252. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.
— Andy Warhol
253. Beware you be not swallowed up in books! An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge.
— John Wesley
254. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.
— Mae West
255. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.
— Mae West
256. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
— Oscar Wilde
257. Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable.
— Oscar Wilde
258. Marriage is the one subject on which all women agree and all men disagree.
— Oscar Wilde
259. Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
— Oscar Wilde
260. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
— Oscar Wilde
261. Who, being loved, is poor?
— Oscar Wilde
262. Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.
— Marianne Williamson
263. Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our
hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.
— Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
264. We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.
— Shelley Winters
265. I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
— William Butler Yeats, from “He wishes for the cloths of heaven”
266. I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
— Henny Youngman
267. You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
— Henny Youngman
268. Keep an eye out for those little tell tale signs in your relationship……….like if you see that the milkman’s wearing your socks …Or the postman starts
calling round on a Sunday.
269. When you first get married remember to sort out who the boss is. Then do everything she says.
270. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once
271. Getting married for sex is like buying a ticket on a plane for the peanuts
272. All the reasons of a man cannot outweigh a single feeling of a woman
– Volataire
273. If it has tyres or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it
– Jo Brand
274. The difference between man and a battery is a battery has a positive side
275. Men are like lino floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them
276. Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands
277. No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas
– Ashleigh Brilliant
278. Better to have loved a short man than to have never loved at all
– David Chambless
279. Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage
– Ambrose Bierce
280. Good to see you’ve finally met Mr Right. I bet you had no idea his first name is Always…
281. Woman are like banks. Breaking and entering is a serious offence
282. It’s OK to laugh in the bedroom, as long as you don’t point
283. He can count his lovers in one hand, as long as he’s holding a calculator
284. Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
– Woody Allen
285. Men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like the
fire. They’re very exciting but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
– Jerry Seinfeld
286. Remember. If you smoke after sex, it means you’re doing it too fast
– Woody Allen
287. Men say the most important thing in a woman is a sense of humour. That means he’s looking for someone to laugh at his jokes
288. Choosing a woman is like choosing a car – we all want a Ferrari, sometimes a pick-up, but all end up with a station wagon
– Tim Allen
289. If you think woman are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets over to your side
290. The best way to get your husband to do anything is to suggest that he is too old to do it
– Felicity Parker
291. No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes
– George Coote
292. Woman want to be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. Men just want
tickets for the cup final.
– Dave Barry
293. I’ve been reading up on the differences between men and woman. I read, the rules, the mars and Venus books, the secret, dating for dummies, and here’s the real difference: Woman buy the books
294. If there had been 3 wise woman instead of 3 wise men, they’d have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, and bought disposable
diapers as gifts
– Jill Wood
295. Men read maps better than woman because only a male mind could conceive
of an inch equalling a hundred miles
– Roseanne
296. A man in the house is worth two in the street
297. It’s not the man in your life that counts, it’s the life in your man
– Mae West
298. A hard man is good to find
– Mae West
299. Men talk to woman so they can sleep with them, and woman sleep with men so they can talk to them
– Jay McInerney
300. A man is already 1/2 way in love when he finds a woman who will listen to him
