Fifteenth Best Man Speech

The Complete Best Man Speech Solution


Do you want to create your own unique best man speech and need some help to pull your ideas together in a logical speech with the polish of a toastmaster? Write a masterful best man speech that will entertain the audience without running the risk of offending anyone in less than 60 minutes.


Ladies and Gentlemen, John and Jane

Firstly, may I start by thanking John on behalf of the Bridesmaids’ for his kind words? For those of you who don’t know me my name is Ralph. My full name is actually ‘Ralph would you‐like‐a‐drink’. For those of you who I meet in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

When John asked me to be his best man, I was initially thrilled at the prospect. However, it didn’t take long for this feeling of well being, to dissolve into utter apprehension, as I remember the last time I had to stand up, in a room full of people I was found guilty and fined. I think being a best man can be a very nerve wrecking experience. If there’s one person here
this evening feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead, then it’s probably because you’ve just married John.

John and Jane have finally got married, for better or worse. This is quite appropriate, as John couldn’t have done any better and Jane couldn’t have done any worse. I would like to thank Paula the Maid of Honour, and Natalie the bridesmaid for looking fantastic throughout the day, and for performing their role outstandingly. It can’t have been easy dragging Jane to the chapel, especially considering she knew what the outcome would be.

I think it’s now time to give you all a quick run down on the guy who has tied the knot today. For those who already know him well, you’ve got my sympathy. The rules state that I should sing the praises of the groom, and tell you all about his good points. Well, I can’t sing and I’m a terrible liar.

John, Adrian, or more commonly known by his friends as “Ray”, was born at a very early age on the 18th Feb 1980 and was about the size of a small baby. In this same year, West Germany beat Belgium 2‐1 to win Euro, and also in this same year, a lot of people here today would have tuned into Dallas to find out who shot J.R. John also shares his birthday with Yoko Ono, Matt Dillon and Grease Lightning’s John Travolta. John was a slow starter. At Playschool John was different from all the other 5 year olds because he was 11. Fortunately, whilst investigating John’s school days, I came across a number of his school reports and I have a few extracts for you:

Craft, Design and Technology ‐ Although very keen, John has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres.

Maths ‐ ‘John is so slow, he finds a snails pace exhausting.

Religious Education ‐ ‘John’s understanding of religion is very poor, so much so, he still believes Phil Collins wrote the book of Genesis.

John was unsure what he wanted to be when he grew up, and when he left school he started working as a Chef in the Whakatane RSA. After working here for 2 years John then decided he no longer wanted to be a Chef, and took a six month career break to decide on his future. After a lot of soul searching and reviewing numerous job opportunities, John found himself the perfect job back in the Whakatane RSA as a Chef. Since then, John has had a few other jobs, but now works at ‘The Phone Centre’, and has been there for about 5 years.

John tells me he is an extremely hard worker in fact, at ‘The Phone Centre’, I believe John gets called ‘GOD’: No‐one ever sees him, he makes his own rules. Any work he does is a miracle. Here’s a few things I didn’t have time for, which you can ask John about later:
You can ask John about his famous ‘Brown’ trousers that he wore 24/7, whatever the occasion. In fact, he would probably be wearing them here today if they hadn’t eventually fallen apart.
If you ask John about rugby he will tell you that he plays for The Goats and that he’s no ordinary winger, but a ‘Top Class Speedster’. John will also tell you he has undying love for Scott Hamilton of the Crusaders.
You can ask John about how he always sticks up for his friends if they’re in any danger. Like the time when I was about 14, when a drunken man started throwing punches at me in a field, near where John and I lived John to my rescue ‐ floating like a butterfly, stinging like a Bee legged it up the field he ran like Sean Fitzpatrick hanging on the wing to his house, where he hid under his bed, until it was all over. Let just hope Jane doesn’t get into any fights.

John and Jane first met at the Cork RSA Disco, and Jane tells me that the first time she set eyes on John she thought he was handsome from a far. Now she thinks he’s far from handsome. Many of you will be aware that John and Jane have recently purchased their first house together. Although their house does require a bit of DIY work, John assures me that he and
Jane will be banging and screwing at every opportunity.

I do have to say how lucky you are John. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes. And Jane, how lucky you are as well you leave today having gained a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who is here sharing in John and Jane’s special day. There are however, a few people who couldn’t be here, but have sent
along their best wishes, so a big thanks to all.

This one says:
To John ‐ We’re sorry we couldn’t make your special day, but felt it too emotional losing a special guy such as yourself, will see you again soon. From all the girls at the Fantasy Palace
This one’s from The Goats: To Jane ‐ We’ve had John playing for us for some time now. We’ve tried him in every position and he’s useless. We hope you have more luck.

Some Advice
As best man I believe I should offer some wise words to the couple about their future relationship together. So I would just like to pass on the following:


  1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who’s boss then do everything Jane says.
  2. Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words ‘You’re right dear’.


  1. A husband is like a tiled floor lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.
  2. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes.

The Toast

Over the years John has been generous, trustworthy, funny and helpful. All in all, one of the best mates a man could ask for, not only for me but for many others in this room as well. It has been an honour and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job, and I honestly couldn’t wish for a better friend, to be best man for. We’ve had some great times together, and I know we’ll both look back at these times with fond memories.

I would just like to say that we all wish you both, nothing but the best for the future. You are a unique and perfectly matched couple, and I hope all your dreams come true, and that you may have a long and happy life together. It gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to John and Jane, the new Mr. and Mrs. Alexander.
May the best day of the past be the worst day of your future.