This speech was kindly donated by Roger.  This speech was written in a few hours using the Best man speech workbook

Fornication!!!

(Put on glasses)
Sorry……for an occasion…… like this, I’m supposed to tell you about Alan. I looked up his date of birth, to see what exciting events happened on that date, there was absolutely nothing. Mind you, the hospital where he was born still call that day “ugly baby Tuesday”.
I didn’t know Alan at school, so I made some enquiries from friends and family, they said he was a bit of a slow developer. When he started junior school, he was different from the other 5 year olds, he was 13. And if you asked any of his teachers what they thought he’d be when he left school, they usually said, about 35.
I spoke to his work collegues, they now call him “GOD”, they never see him, and if he does any work it’s a bloody miracle.
I have to say, Al, how lucky you are today, you leave here with a wife who’s warm, tender, caring, generous and always willing to join in. Sue, you leave here with a lovely dress and a beautiful bunch of flowers.
I was honoured when Alan asked me to be his best man, but also very nervous. The last time I spoke in front of a room full of people, I was found guilty.

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With that experience in mind, I have 3 pieces of advice for Sue and Alan;

Lie.
Steal.
Cheat.
Lie in the arms of the one you love.
Steal every moment of happiness life has to offer.
Cheat every adversity.
I had to get some advice for the best man’s speech, so of course I went to the internet. I found some terrific sites, but after about four hours,I remembered I was supposed to be looking at speeches. It wasn’t a complete waste of time though, I ended up with 2 Russian marriage proposals, some pictures of a transvestite biker, and an appointment for next Tuesday, with Miss Whiplash from Bayswater.
Alan is hard working, honest, generous, patient, good looking, sexy……..sorry, Al, I can’t read your writing.
Alan and I fish together, and we’re always trying to get a new P.B. That’s a Personal Best, we’re always looking to catch that bigger, better fish, well Al,
I think you leave here today with a new personal best that you won’t ever beat.
Talking of fishing, when we were fishing in France in April, I went into Alan’s tent to get something, and I discovered one of Sue and Alan’s little secrets:
These! (hold up underpants with padlock through flies.) They’re the chastity pants that Sue makes Alan wear when he’s away from home.
Now, I’ve heard there may be a few rogue keys around, so can I ask anyone who has a key, to surrender them, as Alan is now a married man. (four men brought up previously distributed keys, including one raving pouff.)
I was also told I had to give the best man’s toast to the bride and groom, so I saved you this from breakfast. (Hand over toast rack with 4 slices of toast.)
I must say the Bride and Bridesmaids look terrific, and the Ushers and Groomsmen have done a fantastic job, and Alan looks great, even if he did copy my outfit.
I know Sue and Alan appreciate you all being here to share in their special day, it’s amazing how far people will travel for a free meal and a couple of glasses of wine.
An emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
I’d like to close with a little ditty about another of Alan’s loves, Poker.
Tonight’s the big game,
Time to be The Man,
Sue’s gonna let you play good cards,
Instead of the same old hand,
But before you begin to play,
Make sure you dim the lights in there,
That way she can’t see you,
And find you’ve only a small pair,
After all these years,
I know you might be too fast,
But come on mate, it’s your wedding night,
You’ve got to make it last,
Don’t just put on your poker face,
And lay like a lump of coal,
After all, you want her to think,
She’s got an ace in the hole,
When the action gets hot,
And the sweat starts to pour,
She’ll think you’re only teasing,
And ask you for more,
Just look her in the eye,
And tell the truth with a grin,
“Honey, I have to say,
I’m all in.”
I have a couple of cards here, from people who couldn’t make it today, (take out cards.)
This one’s from the Tring Cricket Team, Congratulations, Alan and Sue, on your wedding day. We tried Al in every position, and he was
useless, hope you have better luck Sue.
And this one says; “To Big Al, we’ll all miss our Thursday night sessions Al, love from all the girls at the Peek-a-Boo Strip club, Watford.”
So please raise your glasses, and join me in wishing Sue and Alan, Love, Laughter, and Happy Ever After.

Bride and groom, Distinguished guests, Ladies and Gentlemen,

The Venue – Parlor point, for Curtis and Beatrice today.
Curtis of course out of Berril and by Mathew Argile.
Well bred, good friend, odds on meeting someone like him one hundred to one.

At school on the track he was hard and fast.  The filies of course very fond of curtuis, anxious for that chance in that saddle.
Pardon me Beatrice. Yes very popular man.
Then of course he went away now. Away down to Chch.  It was a lonely time for me you know, it’s as if a party of guys and a mate leaves.
But somehow i got through it.  Looking back now my toll bill was bloody huge with the constant riniging to find out how Curtis was getting on down at addington.

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And i’m just bloody happy to be here today to celebrate with you all.
On a personal note if you like I’ve always been a length and a half behind balancing delicately on the rails.
A fear of failure or success either way it doesn’t make you feel good on the inside.
So a glance around and there on the outside always was Curtis, Curtis my mate look we’d laugh and play footy, and laugh and get McDonalds to go.
And then along comes Beatrice who destoryed the whole foundations of my relationship with Curtis.
Monopolising and monopolising his tone to the point of insanity oh goodness gracious there could have been a nasty fall there i would think to myself.
But i never acted on those impulses. She could have been in hospital by now. And so consequently I was left with the rest of the pack as beatrice and Curtis picked up the pace.

I’d ask them to dinner parties but they were always a no show. A preach only, two hundred meters from their home now and New Zealand post.
All they have to do is walk from their home straight they sent me a birthday card once but there was nothing in it. Look I’m just about at the finish line of me speech,
not but all now it’s going to be a tight finish I promise Curtis we can still be friends mate but oh Beatrice wins you…
Beatrice buy a length and a half of rope and hang yourself with it you monopolising tart. You’re the winner today. It will be a photo finish for you and Curtis.
Curtis you mean the world to me mate. Beatrice, you always thought of two dollars even or a dollar sixty.  Trifector with a disease mate.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to thank John for his kind words and have to agree that the bridesmaids have done a fabulous job today and look absolutely wonderful ‐ only eclipsed by Jane herself. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, but I suspect John is now wondering if he has actually doubled the problems for himself by allowing us both to speak about him.

We were very nervous when John asked us to be his best men. Speaking to a few friends and colleagues who have already suffered this dubious honour I was informed that it requires a little creativity, a little patience, some hard work, and some ingenuity. Remarkably John asked us to do the job despite us not possessing a single one of
these traits. We therefore decided to have a look on the internet where we found the following checklist of duties…

1. Help the groom dress – fortunately I let David take care of this. Now it may be traditional for the groom to wear a kilt at a Johnish wedding, but today will be the one and only time as a married man John gets to wear the trousers.
2. Make sure the groom uses the toilet – I wish I had now done the first one
3. Ensure the groom’s face and hair are in order ‐ Well, God didn’t do it right the first time around so neither of us had any hope here.
4. Make sure his trousers are done up ‐ at this point we thought about asking his mother to take our places ‐ and finally…
5. Make a speech to the bride and groom ‐ Now, we thought this meant JUST to the bride and groom, you know, maybe off in a little room for a chat and perhaps a couple of drinks. We were a bit upset to find that we’ve actually got to do it in front of all of you as well. Still, I know you will all be getting hungry so we will get on with it…

Before we get to the stories, I should really point out what a fantastic, good looking and funny person John is – I should point this out, but I don’t feel comfortable telling blatant lies in front of the Minister so I think we should move on…

We have both been friends with John since we were all about 16 years old so we had to turn to his father Steven for an insight into his formative years. Richard told us a story of coming home from a hard day at work back in 1979. It had been a long day, and by the time he got home John was already tucked up in his bed, Richard poured himself a large whisky and turned the TV on. Of course the sound of Daddy coming home had awoken young John, who sneaked down the stairs for a goodnight kiss. However, at this point Richard had left the front room to go into the kitchen. On returning he witnessed a 5‐year‐old John not only out of his bed but also picking up the whisky and taking a sizeable gulp. There was an immediate reaction from John ‐ he spat all the whisky onto the floor, as you would expect a 5 year old to, and then slightly annoyed declared loudly …”That’s not lager!!!” This was obviously a sign of things to come.

At this point we’ll jump forward to too his university days because as far as we can determine nothing else funny happened to John until then. His student days re‐ignited his love of a drink, but unfortunately his budget did not quite match his enthusiasm. Luckily his resourcefulness did. I still to this day have not met anyone who could go out with on a Thursday night and arrive home two days later having drunk enough booze to sink a battleship. Not only that, but come home with a newspaper and a PowerAde – as John said this was vital to keep his energy up for university on Monday morning.
I think it was for this reason that John is the only student who decided that far from university being a hardship it was actually a comfortable way of life and rather than just one degree he would complete two instead. I think its worthwhile mentioning at this point that myself David and the usher Dan are still paying off our student debts as a result of funding John’s extended student life!!

John was however, forced to supplement our generosity as there were periods when all 3 of us were unavailable for 72 hour drinking sessions. He therefore took a part‐time job in, you guessed it, a local pub. Further evidence of his upstanding character can be seen during these happy times. Obviously having to save all cash for socialising the poor boy would get hungry at work. But John refused to buckle to hunger pains by helping himself to the odd free bar of chocolate or bag of chips.

Moving forward to the day John met Jane. The 25th May 2003 was not just the happiest day of John’s life. Myself, David and half of Cork also shared tears of joy. It was clear to all that knew John that this relationship was different. True love blossomed,
John’s dress sense remarkably became not only impeccable, but fashionable also ‐ clearly the result of the love of a good woman ‐ and within a short period of time John was on the phone to both David and myself telling us he was planning a big surprise. At first we both thought he was might be taking us on a free night out for funding his university years but we should have known better, he was planning to ask the beautiful Jane for her hand in marriage. Fortunately she said yes, and that brings us nicely to the easiest of the best men duties, arranging the Stag Party …

Since there are 2 of us we felt it was only proper to arrange a Stag party each. I arranged a quiet 2 night break in Queenstown including 2 rounds of golf – all very civilised – at least it would have been had John played golf on the 2nd day with the rest of us instead of drinking all day with the only non golfer – Dan known to his friends as The Liability. David and I were on the 14th tee when we both received the same text message “get back here now and rescue me from this maniac”. On our arrival 1 hour later John was so drunk it was clear he couldn’t make it out of the hotel and by the end of the night was heard to mutter that he was never again drinking.

However, inevitably 3 weeks later he was right up for his 2nd Stag Party which I was left to arrange in Dublin. Now I should point out if John looks like he is shifting uncomfortably in his chair at the moment it’s not because he is nervous about what we are going to say, it’s because his rear end has not yet recovered from being spanked by a lovely girl we meet in
Dublin’s premier lap dancing club. Again, the booze played a big role in this, however for once The Liability was no where to be seen!!

In conclusion, John you have found someone who is beautiful, kind, considerate, generous and loving. And Jane – you have found, well ……………… John. I asked Jane’s Mum this morning how it feels to see her daughter get married, and she said
“it only seems like yesterday that she was going to bed with her dummy”. Funny how history repeats itself.
I am sure you will all agree that they really do make a lovely couple and I am sure we speak on behalf of everyone who knows them when we wish them every happiness for the future.

It now gives me great pleasure to toast the Bride & Groom.
Please stand and charge your glasses to Mr & Mrs Smith.

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Well I must say that I am very nervous about making this speech. In fact this is the fifth time today that I have got off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand. They say a good speech is like a MINI SKIRT …… SHORT enough to be interesting but LONG enough to cover the ESSENTIALS… So here goes…

First of all a big thank you to the usher for a job well done today. Especially considering he has difficulty with the alphabet and distinguishing between left and right. So I’m glad everyone was sent to the correct place in the chapel. I’d also like to add my own compliments to Jane, who I think you’ll agree looks absolutely stunning today! John, on the other hand, just looks stunned! The bridesmaids also look stunning as well.

I will now do my best to give John the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Jane’s life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of John. It’s the first time I’ve had the honour of being a best man. It’s the first time that John has complimented me in over 25 years, and best of all it’s the first time I’ve got a free dinner out
of him. For today I have done quite a bit of research towards this speech, and being in IT I decided to look on the Internet. After a while, I finally found some really good stuff…but it had nothing to do with being a best man.

I believe my main responsibilities for today are:
To ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good. It is a difficult task because after all, I’m best man, not a plastic surgeon! John was born on 25th June 1978, which was the same year YMCA was released…. He also shares a birthday with such notables as Julian Clary and George Michael. There are some stories you can tell at a wedding and then there are others that might be interesting to tell, but can’t really be told. The ones that John invented about himself for the reader’s letters section of Playboy magazine would be a perfect example.

So here are the ones I can tell….
When John was younger, if he did anything really bad my Dad use to get the belt out. John in his wisdom decided that it had to go, so he got the belt and burnt it on a bonfire. Still to this day dad didn’t know what happened to his belt! Dad use to call him the exorcist in the house. Every time he came around, he rids the house of all the spirits…… or at the very least tops them up with water. Now traditionally I have to offer you some advice John, never be complacent, always keep an eye out for those little tell tail signs in your relationship……….like if you see the milkman wearing your socks. John also just remember it only takes a couple of words mumbled in chapel and you’re married. But it only takes a couple of words mumbled in your SLEEP and you’re divorced!

Jane also remember, men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand John women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full‐bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache. Oh ONE LAST THING BEFORE I READ SOME CARDS OUT, not a lot of people know this but Jane’s got a NICK NAME FOR John….yes I found out…….He’s called HOLIDAY BOY…apparently he’s GOOD WHILE HE LASTS, BUT SHE WISHES HE WAS LONGER.

Well, I think that’s enough to keep him embarrassed for now. There are only a couple of other things to do, one of which is to read out a few cards: Dear John Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you’ve made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore
Dear Jane It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we’ll have to call it a day now you’re married. From Brad Pitt
So to wrap this up, I’d just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it’s about finding someone you can’t live without. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for not falling asleep and may I ask you to raise you glasses to
John and Jane, also known as, Mr and Mrs Smith!!

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Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I’d like to thank John for his kind and thoughtful words. I’m sure we all agree that not only do the bridesmaids look fantastic, but they have done a brilliant job today – not the least of which was getting Jane to the church – I understand she put up quite a struggle!

Ladies and gentlemen, if there’s anybody here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you have just got married to John. I’m sure you’ll all agree that was a lovely service this afternoon. Very moving. So much so, even the wedding cake’s in tiers. Sorry but the jokes don’t get any better.

For those who don’t know me, my name is Paul. I must confess to being a little nervous as I stand before you, as public speaking has never been my thing. This is the sixth time today that I’ve got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand. I believe my main responsibilities for today were:
To ensure that the groom arrives on time, ….. sober, and ….. looking good. Well 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. After all I’m only the best man, and the raw materials I had and time allowed for ‘looking good’ was quite a challenge!

I work with John – John and I first met after I engaged head‐hunters to find some of the best consultants in the computer business and they came up with John’s name. I hounded John for some time to come for an interview and when we finally met I had no doubt in my mind…. I should have paid for better head‐hunters…….. Seriously John is the best in the business and I am honoured to be his best man. I think he asked me to be best man so he could get back at me for hiring him. He has called me an idiot on several occasions ‐‐‐‐‐‐ and now he wants me to stand here and prove it to everyone today. I’ll try not to disappoint him……

It just occurred to me, as John was making his speech that today must be the first time he has stood up in front of as many people and not sent them to sleep talking about Health and Safety or the benefits and efficiencies a Risk Management System – well done John! Seriously, John is good at his job, so good in fact that we all call him ‘God’ at work. He got
this nick name for 3 reasons.

1. You never see him,
2. He makes his own rules, and
3. If he does any work, it’s a bloody miracle…..

Sorry about that ‘bloody’ word, I shouldn’t swear, you can rest assured that, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised John and Jane that if there is anything slightly risqué in mine, I’ll whip it out immediately…… FORNICATION …. Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this traditionally the best man is required to reflect on the Groom’s past life experiences and perform a complete character assassination ‐ which is difficult in John’s case because he’s such a nice bloke. However, although I’ve only known John for 8 years this speech is co written by John’s mum, his sister
Janette and brother Phillip so I have all the inside information I need to spill the beans…… John was once described to me as ARROGANT, CONCEITED, INSENSITIVE and SELFISH ‐ it was his mum who said this. Okay so I made that up. I know I would be in a lot of trouble if I didn’t mention how supportive John had been to his Mum and his sister throughout the
years. Unfortunately John’s Dad is no longer with us but I’m sure if he was here today he would be very proud of John and happy for both John and Jane.

John has been there for his Mum and his sister through difficult times and they want everyone here to know how thankful they are and how much they appreciate having John as a son and brother. I am sure his support will continue for both of them ‐ and now of course with Jane by his side.

I’d like to thank John’s mum for digging out some old photos of John there was one particularly lovely photo of John at the seaside, sitting on a donkey, face painted like a clown, with an ice cream in one hand, candyfloss in the other, and crying his eyes out. I was going to show you today, but thought it would be a little bit embarrassing – after all, it was
taken in January earlier this year when he was in Australia at Bondi beach. I then asked his mum if she had any embarrassing pictures of John, and she replied ‘oh, do you mean the one’s where he’s showing his willy?’ I asked the hotel for a projector but I’m very sorry John – I tried as best I could, but no company in NZ had a projector powerful enough to blow them up so that we could actually see anything.

John made a bit of a fuss about having to wear a pink tie today but I do have photo’s of John wearing a pink shirt at school when he was about seven ‐ with a pink tie ‐ and even pink flared trousers on holiday in Fiji when he was a teenager so I think Pink is a bit of a theme colour for John ‐ and he can’t really complain today.
What did John get up too during his early years? Well John’s mum and dad used be dance
instructors and singers and John would help set up the equipment for them. In fact John
seems to have been a very helpful and thoughtful young man, helping with the shopping
and learning to cook at an early age.
Which is all very wonderful but something changed around the time John went to Wellington University and became a ‘Goth’ with dyed black hair and drainpipe trousers. It was around this time that John first met Jane and their first fling was flung! – I heard she started a support group for anyone who knew John at that time ‐ I’m not surprised it took another 20 years before Jane had the courage to meet him again and what a surprise it was – the Mohican hair cut was gone in fact quite a bit of the hair cut was gone and black hair had turned to a suave, sophisticated grey. Jane was so shocked and confused I hear she was
sick on their first reunion date and had to rush back to Napier for an eye test.

I’ve never seen John as happy as since he met Jane again. They have been inseparable and make a wonderful couple. Obviously completely in love with each other so I was surprised when I heard they had a bit of a tiff about the seating plan for this reception. They really couldn’t decide who to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided was to use the wedding present list, and put those guests who bought the biggest and most expensive items nearest the front, and work it back from there. This has completely backfired on me because after making my speech my
wife and I have been asked to move from the top table to the bench at the back of the car park! We thought the ping balls and Malteasers were a good idea and would have looked good arranged on the mantelpiece, practical as well if you got hungry…. or needed to dash out for a game of table tennis.

I was warned by Jane not to loose or damage John on his Stag night – I had planned to cling film John naked to a lamp post but I had a trial run on myself at home and got so stuck with the damn stuff wrapped around me I had to go to the doctors for some help to get it all off. When the doctor saw me, standing there naked, covered in cling film he said ‘I can clearly see your nuts!’ So I gave up that idea. I believe at this point I’m supposed to give John some advice on married life and what lies ahead.
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who’s boss ….. and then do everything that Jane tells you.

Secondly, you don’t marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them … And finally, try and get on with your mother in law. Personally, I haven’t spoken to my mother‐in‐law for 3 years now – I don’t like to interrupt her. I know John loves his music so I would like to take a little time to reflect on the music that was top of the charts when our dashing groom was born and took his first breaths in Invercargill in 1964 – These were the No1 hits of that year and I think the titles reflect the events leading up to today, perhaps later tonight and even foreseeable the future.
When John met Jane the No 1 titles were:
“Oh, Pretty Woman” ‐ Roy Orbison “I Get Around” ‐ The Beach Boys For the celebrations
later tonight we have:
“Fun Fun Fun” ‐ The Beach Boys “Glad All Over” ‐ Dave Clark Five
When the celebrations are over and John and Jane head for the matrimonial bedroom we have:
“A Hard Day’s Night” ‐ The Beatles “Twist and Shout” ‐ The Beatles
To celebrate John and Jane’s marriage ‐ the Beatles sang:
“Can’t Buy Me Love” ‐ The Beatles
And we all agree with Dusty Springfield when she sang:
“Wishin’ and Hopin'” ‐ Dusty Springfield
Here’s ‘Wishin and Hopin’ that John and Jane have the best of times together as Mr and Mrs Smith.

TOASTS
I am sure everyone here today would like to wish the new Mr and Mrs Smith good health, happiness and a wonderful life together, The toast is ‘John and Jane’ Good afternoon everyone and thank you for coming to this special occasion, its lovely to see SO MANY FRIENDS and family here.

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For what seems like the 10th time today I find myself rising from a warm seat clasping a piece of paper in my hand. Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Raymond and I have the privilege of being John’s best man. As such, it is with great pleasure that I get to thank John for his kind words about the Bridesmaids, Ushers, Page Boy and the Flower Girl. I think you will all agree they look fantastic and have done an excellent job of helping to make today such a great occasion.

It’s fair to say that being a best man can be a fairly nerve racking experience and there’s one person here this afternoon feeling really nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead. All I can say is don’t worry, it’s probably because you’ve just married John and I am sure it will pass! Anyway getting started I know John and Jane appreciate all of you being here today both old friends and new. As a Southlander myself, I fully understand how far people will travel for a free meal and a couple of glasses of wine!

Since John has moved to Vegas I don’t see as much of him as I used to, but a couple of weeks ago I stayed with them one Sunday night and got press ganged into helping John put up the new kitchen blinds. As those of you who know John can imagine, the preparation for this relatively simple task involved a great deal of measuring, checking and re‐checking, before we had finally marked the places where we needed to drill. At this point it became clear that John’s DIY experience has not improved over the years, as he went to get his “tool kit” and came back holding just a screwdriver with 6 changeable bits and what I can only describe as a glorified electric screwdriver. It had multiple battery packs in it and looked like
something from a Star Trek movie, so I could see why John had bought it, but it was a triumph of form over function.

Luckily Jane was in the kitchen at the time and on hearing my comments, mentioned she had a few tools of her own and came back with a proper set of screw drivers, a mains powered hammer drill, circular saw, hammer, a wide range of raw plugs and suitable screws so I for one am taking some comfort from knowing she will be able to look after him in the
future. Now I think one of the topics I am meant to make reference to is the drunken John debauchery that took place on the Stag Do but I would be lying if I tried to do so. This was clearly good news for John, but rather unfortunate for me as I had my hopes pinned on this event to give me something to talk about today. As it was, about the only funny thing that happened was seeing John trying to explain how he had really not lost on a race, as he had won nothing. The fact that he had bet a total of $200 and so was actually $100 down seemed to escape him.

This got me thinking to what John must have been like at school and Paul, his older brother, was kind enough to provide me with some details that did help explain the difficulty John was having. John was actually a slow starter and at Playschool he was different from all the other 5 year olds. He was 13! By the time he was at secondary school, it seems his teachers were getting very concerned about his performance. He wasn’t so much falling behind he was getting lapped! Paul also tells me that when his parents were asked what they thought John would be when he finally left school their usual reply was “about 35”! Now I am aware the above give a slightly negative view, and I feel as his best man I must come to his defence and say that in all the time I have know him I can honestly say no one has ever questioned John’s intelligence. In fact I have never heard anybody even mentioned it.

The only other vaguely interesting event that happened at the Stag Do was my attempt to get John one of his favourite drinks, a Blue Lagoon, but which he affectionately calls a Blue Meanie. This is easy to make and is just vodka, blue Curacao and lemonade. John developed his passion for this drink when we shared a house, and spent a pleasant Saturday evening in watching videos and drinking them ‐ by the pint. Never being a big drinker, John accidentally forgot to finish his final drink, so I did what any friend would do and put it in the fridge for him. I could tell he was happy that I had done this, as next day when he finally staggered downstairs at lunchtime, went to the fridge to get something to eat and inhaled the intense orange aroma of the Curacao, it clearly brought a lump to his throat. As luck would have it Stuart came to visit us that afternoon, and brought a Sarah Lee Cointreau cake for tea, which also had the same lovely orange aroma. John was obviously feeling rather emotional that day, as he seemed to get all chocked up over that kind gift as well. Ever since then I believe he has always associated this smell with happy memories.

Coming back to the Stag Do, I decided a Blue Meanie would be just the thing to help John round off such a memorable day, so I tried to order him one. The barman however was clearly not the connoisseur that John is, as this was the first time I have ever had somebody refuse to make me a drink, not because I was too drunk to serve, but simply because he thought the drink was that pathetic. Having failed miserably to help make that event more special for him, I was determined not to make the same mistake today, so ……….. From looking at the clean plates that were taken away earlier I believe everybody except me
seemed to enjoy the meal. For some reason I did not manage to eat very much. Those of you who know John will probably have realised that he did not actually have anything to do with planning the menu. Whilst he knows a great deal about many things, food is generally not one of them. In fact I will never forget the time he was tucking into a fajita, exclaiming how this was the best tasting chicken he had ever had, when it was pointed out to him that this was probably because it was beef. The look on his face at this point had to be seen to be believed particularly as he was avoiding eating beef at the time due to the mad cow disease scare.

Now by this point you must be wondering what someone as beautiful and intelligent as Jane sees in John apart from their shared passion for gadgets and household appliances with ludicrously large numbers of displays and switches on them. The answer is that whilst John is the groom here, really he’s also the best man, not me. In all the years I have known him he has been a kind and generous friend, who cannot do enough for those he cares about and as such I would like to thank him for everything he’s done for all of us. In two days time I will have been married for 10 years, an event at which John was my best man. As such, before I propose the toast, I thought it might be helpful if I took the opportunity to pass onto him a few pieces of advice he may find useful:

1. Don’t leave the toilet seat up
2. Remember birthdays and anniversaries
3. Don’t leave the toilet seat up. I know I have mentioned this before, but this gets me into such trouble I thought it worth mentioning again.
4. Buy flowers regularly, but not so often that it becomes suspicious
5. Keep telling Jane those 3 important little words, “you’re right dear”.
6. Most importantly make sure you get on with your mother‐in law. To start with I didn’t speak to mine for two years. It wasn’t because I didn’t like her it’s just I thought it was rude to interrupt.

As such finally Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to propose the toast. To the Bride and Groom!

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Ladies and Gentlemen, John and Jane

Firstly, may I start by thanking John on behalf of the Bridesmaids’ for his kind words? For those of you who don’t know me my name is Ralph. My full name is actually ‘Ralph would you‐like‐a‐drink’. For those of you who I meet in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

When John asked me to be his best man, I was initially thrilled at the prospect. However, it didn’t take long for this feeling of well being, to dissolve into utter apprehension, as I remember the last time I had to stand up, in a room full of people I was found guilty and fined. I think being a best man can be a very nerve wrecking experience. If there’s one person here
this evening feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead, then it’s probably because you’ve just married John.

John and Jane have finally got married, for better or worse. This is quite appropriate, as John couldn’t have done any better and Jane couldn’t have done any worse. I would like to thank Paula the Maid of Honour, and Natalie the bridesmaid for looking fantastic throughout the day, and for performing their role outstandingly. It can’t have been easy dragging Jane to the chapel, especially considering she knew what the outcome would be.

I think it’s now time to give you all a quick run down on the guy who has tied the knot today. For those who already know him well, you’ve got my sympathy. The rules state that I should sing the praises of the groom, and tell you all about his good points. Well, I can’t sing and I’m a terrible liar.

John, Adrian, or more commonly known by his friends as “Ray”, was born at a very early age on the 18th Feb 1980 and was about the size of a small baby. In this same year, West Germany beat Belgium 2‐1 to win Euro, and also in this same year, a lot of people here today would have tuned into Dallas to find out who shot J.R. John also shares his birthday with Yoko Ono, Matt Dillon and Grease Lightning’s John Travolta. John was a slow starter. At Playschool John was different from all the other 5 year olds because he was 11. Fortunately, whilst investigating John’s school days, I came across a number of his school reports and I have a few extracts for you:

Craft, Design and Technology ‐ Although very keen, John has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres.

Maths ‐ ‘John is so slow, he finds a snails pace exhausting.

Religious Education ‐ ‘John’s understanding of religion is very poor, so much so, he still believes Phil Collins wrote the book of Genesis.

John was unsure what he wanted to be when he grew up, and when he left school he started working as a Chef in the Whakatane RSA. After working here for 2 years John then decided he no longer wanted to be a Chef, and took a six month career break to decide on his future. After a lot of soul searching and reviewing numerous job opportunities, John found himself the perfect job back in the Whakatane RSA as a Chef. Since then, John has had a few other jobs, but now works at ‘The Phone Centre’, and has been there for about 5 years.

John tells me he is an extremely hard worker in fact, at ‘The Phone Centre’, I believe John gets called ‘GOD’: No‐one ever sees him, he makes his own rules. Any work he does is a miracle. Here’s a few things I didn’t have time for, which you can ask John about later:
You can ask John about his famous ‘Brown’ trousers that he wore 24/7, whatever the occasion. In fact, he would probably be wearing them here today if they hadn’t eventually fallen apart.
If you ask John about rugby he will tell you that he plays for The Goats and that he’s no ordinary winger, but a ‘Top Class Speedster’. John will also tell you he has undying love for Scott Hamilton of the Crusaders.
You can ask John about how he always sticks up for his friends if they’re in any danger. Like the time when I was about 14, when a drunken man started throwing punches at me in a field, near where John and I lived John to my rescue ‐ floating like a butterfly, stinging like a Bee legged it up the field he ran like Sean Fitzpatrick hanging on the wing to his house, where he hid under his bed, until it was all over. Let just hope Jane doesn’t get into any fights.

John and Jane first met at the Cork RSA Disco, and Jane tells me that the first time she set eyes on John she thought he was handsome from a far. Now she thinks he’s far from handsome. Many of you will be aware that John and Jane have recently purchased their first house together. Although their house does require a bit of DIY work, John assures me that he and
Jane will be banging and screwing at every opportunity.

I do have to say how lucky you are John. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes. And Jane, how lucky you are as well you leave today having gained a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who is here sharing in John and Jane’s special day. There are however, a few people who couldn’t be here, but have sent
along their best wishes, so a big thanks to all.

This one says:
To John ‐ We’re sorry we couldn’t make your special day, but felt it too emotional losing a special guy such as yourself, will see you again soon. From all the girls at the Fantasy Palace
This one’s from The Goats: To Jane ‐ We’ve had John playing for us for some time now. We’ve tried him in every position and he’s useless. We hope you have more luck.

Some Advice
As best man I believe I should offer some wise words to the couple about their future relationship together. So I would just like to pass on the following:

John

1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who’s boss then do everything Jane says.
2. Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words ‘You’re right dear’.

Jane

1. A husband is like a tiled floor lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.
2. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes.

The Toast

Over the years John has been generous, trustworthy, funny and helpful. All in all, one of the best mates a man could ask for, not only for me but for many others in this room as well. It has been an honour and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job, and I honestly couldn’t wish for a better friend, to be best man for. We’ve had some great times together, and I know we’ll both look back at these times with fond memories.

I would just like to say that we all wish you both, nothing but the best for the future. You are a unique and perfectly matched couple, and I hope all your dreams come true, and that you may have a long and happy life together. It gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to John and Jane, the new Mr. and Mrs. Alexander.
May the best day of the past be the worst day of your future.

The Complete Best Man Speech Solution

WRITE YOUR OWN UNIQUE BEST MAN SPEECH AND LEARN HOW TO DELIVER IT MASTERFULLY

Do you want to create your own unique best man speech and need some help to pull your ideas together in a logical speech with the polish of a toastmaster? Write a masterful best man speech that will entertain the audience without running the risk of offending anyone in less than 60 minutes.

Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything. Being Best man is a bit like sex with Jane Clark. No one wants to do it. But it is an honour.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Gareth And I have the honour of being Brent’s best man. To tell you the truth, I was a little bit nervous about doing this, especially after the prolonged but excellently crafted 10 minutes of humiliation that Brent served to me at my wedding. So I confess that I have actually rehearsed this speech. I visited the local old folks home and practiced in front of a live audience there… I think it went well, they all pissed themselves anyway.

Let me first thank Brent for his toast to the bridesmaids, Kerry & Leigh‐Anne, who both look absolutely smashing today. You’ve both done a terrific job in assisting Adele prepare for today and you’re only rightly outshone by our bride, Adele. I’m sure you’ll agree with me gentlemen, that today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list.

But on a serious note, I would like to thank Adele’s parents. Thank you for allowing Brent to marry your daughter. I’m not sure if many of you know, but asking Adele’s father for his blessing was the hardest thing Brent ever did. The setting was the local golf course, where I hear Brent played his usual game of whiskies, pulls and hooks, missed putts and duff shots… obviously he had a few more important things on his mind! Funny thing is that after Brent asked Stuart for Adele’s hand in marriage, his game blew out and I hear he played almost as bad as Brent was. But I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s definitely worth a toast; so please join me in raising your glasses to the parents of the Bride.

I keep talking about this Brent character, . However that name almost seems like an alias as over the years our groom today has assumed many names. Like Brent the “Bomber” Bills, later shortened to just “Bomber.” “Post No” short for Post No Bills, and most frequently, he’s been called “Billsy”.

Billsy was always a high flyer. Destined for great heights. He applied himself at school, and got some really good grades. In fact, he was so dedicated to his studies that I remember one year he sat his end of year exams with the impediment of having his good arm in a cast. I asked him how hard it was writing with such an impediment, to which he relied; “the exams were a breeze compared wiping my ass with my left hand, it can get quite messy, you should give it a go some time.”

Needless to say, he got through school ok. Got good grades, and set about becoming a fighter pilot in the NZ Air force. I must admit, I thought it was strange that Brent would go to the forces, given his track record with breaking many of his bones and almost losing eyes and other appendages… needless to say, it wasn’t long after Brent joined the forces that Jane got wind of the situation at Ardmore and abruptly retired our sky hawks. That put an end to Brent’s aspirations of breaking the sound barrier.

Now, I have known Billsy, Bomber and Post No for about 27 years, he has always loved his sport and from an early age it was obvious he was a natural sportsman, he loved to get stuck in. It goes without saying that Brent has carried that over to his working life, in fact, it’s a wonder that his work mates haven’t started calling him God. Cause lets face it, they never see him, ….but he always seems to get the job done, which isn’t a feat of any ordinary man, it’s simply a miracle. Or maybe it was a case of god doing his work through Brent? But unlike Evan Almighty, God never told him to make an ark and fill it full of animals,
instead he asked Brent to assume a role as a public servant, raising through the ranks as fast as possible and build a house at the same time… all of which he managed to accomplish without even breaking a sweat. Additionally, while building his house, he also managed to rewrite his own version of the police handbook, and what was deemed acceptable police
behaviour.

Here’s a few snippets from Brent’s personal “How to be a public servant handbook.”

1. Speeding. Speeding is acceptable, and it would be hypocritical of me to think otherwise. So the following rules need to be applied to each speeding situation:
   • If the occupant of the car is female and flirtatious, a warning should be given and the driver left to go, no matter how far over the speed limit.
   • If the occupant is a young male, then consideration should be given to whether or not he has female company. If he does, then allow him off with a wink and a warning.
   • If the occupant is middle aged and male, a calculation should be applied toensure that he does not lose his license and dignity.

As a matter of fact, the police play a game called ticket cricket, where runs a scored for each ticket written, and the more bizarre the ticket offence, the more runs are scored off that ticket. I hear it on good authority that to hit a six is no mean feat! But Brent did manage to hit one out of the park; for giving a young lad a ticket for driving while not having a sun visor. The absurd part was that the ticket was issued at 3:00 in the morning!

RULE #2

1. Dish up as much abuse to your superior officer as possible. Preferably in an intoxicated state, so you can be dished down the most boring, menial tasks as possible, to allow for more time to build the ark.

RULE #3

1. When driving a squad car, always watch where you are going, and don’t cause any accidents by rubbernecking the surroundings. Especially in built up shopping districts like Newmarket on hot summers days. ‐ Well I guess he couldn’t follow all his rules! And was probably his most embarrassing moment as a cop.

Now I know I’m not the best person to dish out marital advice, so I’ve collected a wonderful assortment of advice from your friends and family in the audience here today, and here is a brief selection of what they have to say:

Firstly, to Adele.
Adele:

1. The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
2. The best way to get your Brent to do anything is to suggest that he is too old to do it.
3. Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.

Brent:

1. Married life can be compared to football. So be fully committed every week and make sure you score at least once every weekend. Make sure you change ends at half time. Put your tackle into it hard or you might injure yourself. However, Adele assures me that playing away from home, will result in a serious injury and will immediately place you on the transfer list.

Billsy. It’s fair to say that our friendship has aged like a good wine. You are my oldest, dearest friend with whom I’ve shared many great memories. Gone out on many dates.. hang on. That sounded gay… but I am fortunate to have a friendship as special as yours. and I look forward to creating many more memories together with Adele. I think you will all agree that today Brent truly is the best man and apart from Adele being the most stunning person in the room, she is also the luckiest. Remember that Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in standing:
May your love be modern enough to service the times and old fashioned enough to last forever!
‐ To the Bride & Groom!

The Complete Best Man Speech Solution

WRITE YOUR OWN UNIQUE BEST MAN SPEECH AND LEARN HOW TO DELIVER IT MASTERFULLY

Do you want to create your own unique best man speech and need some help to pull your ideas together in a logical speech with the polish of a toastmaster? Write a masterful best man speech that will entertain the audience without running the risk of offending anyone in less than 60 minutes.

Now before I tell you a few stories, I would like to say how much of an honour it is tobe provided the privilege of being Johns best man. In all honesty I have struggled somewhat in writing this speech as it has been very hard to think of stories that are appropriate for this forum.

BACKGROUND OF HOW WE MET;

John Diver ventured over from the mighty BOP when Graham was appointed as headmaster of Matamata College back in 1987, it would be fair to say that it was not an easy time for John, he experienced significant problems trying to fit in and for the 1st few wks would spend every spare moment hitting tennis balls back and forward to himself against a brick wall, this would have gone on for a lot longer than 2 wks but Alison got wind of the behaviour of “The lone Diver” and proceeded to write me a letter, in fact I kept a copy of it and thought this was an opportune moment to read you the letter which illustrates what a very supportive mother Alison has always been;

Dear Cameron,
Myself along with my husband Graham and 2 children John and Fraser have recently moved to Matamata, we are very much enjoying the town and all it has to offer. The only problem is that both our boys are finding it very difficult to fit in and make friends, we can understand that Fraser is experiencing problems as he has always been somewhat of a social misfit hence his inability to find friends except for his imaginary friend Spanner, however John has always had friends. I bumped into your mother at the supermarket Cameron and she mentioned that you gave generously to charities, now although my son John is not a charity per say I would be very grateful if you could spend time with him, if you could also play him in tennis that would be neat, this would mean that he would do something else apart from spending the wkends in his bedroom building model aeroplanes.
P.S I have enclosed a cheque for $100, this is yours if you let our little battler be victorious in your tennis match.
My husband and I sincerely appreciate your assistance in helping John in his time of need.
Yours faithfully, Allison Diver

JOHN INTRODUCING ME TO VARSITY LIFE

As I am a yr younger than John he was in yr 2 of varsity and so when I showed up for my 1st orientation yr, Robert, Kilp, PJ & myself went down to the varsity pub, we all went in a draw to win $600 cash, I won the money collected it and ventured home, the next day John left a message at the halls of residence for me saying that I had to go down to the pub urgently and take with me some identification proving that I was 20 yrs of age, so I popped on down to the pub absolutely crapping myself, luckily the publican had a sense of humour and generous nature & turned me away no questions asked. During my time flatting with John in the legendary Edinburgh, Street flat he represented ND cricket team;

John is renowned as being a nice guy however he does have a tendency to get angry from time to time; Now I do recall one day that John was angry and it was when there was a photo of him in the Waikato Times taking a catch for the Northern District Cricket team, but the caption below said that it was not John but Scotty Styris, John was gutted by this however I actually thought it was a bit rough on Piggy Styris being mistaken as John to be honest.

JOHN’S 30TH (TINS)

Now I have always admired John for his ability to be able to take a joke, perhaps not the best example of this is when myself, Kilpy and Dan attended John’s 30th (quite some ago now) and we decided to remove all the labels from all his tinned food (immature I know, it was Kilpys idea), not sure if John was more gutted with our action, or perhaps the next time he went to get some peaches for his ice cream and got baked beans. Now it is always interesting to know how couples met, on this occasion it was not the internet;

As a number of you well know John and Debbie 1st set eyes on each other at a conference, this encounter helped FUEL their relationship, I recall John calling me to inform me of the news, it was like talking to a little kid the night before Christmas, actually he was just about as excited then as he was last night in anticipation of today. Although at 1st they kept their love affair somewhat of a secret in order to maintain a high level of professionalism within the work environment, example of this was when they were both in Sydney at conference. After Debbie would take Robert out for a “work diner”, they would say goodnight and head off to their respective hotels (or so, work colleagues would think). Robert would get a taxi at about 11 o’clock across to the other side of Sydney (taxi fare, $75 of which he claimed as an entertainment expense, which I suppose it was) to see Debbie, and then at 6am get the taxi home, to ensure they woke up alone.

JOHN HAS A FEW VICES, LIKE TO SHED LIGHT ON ONE OF THESE;

John does not mind the odd bet in fact there is only one establishment that is happier to see John Diver than the TAB and that is the casino. He is so keen on his gambling that Fras and I decided to keep John happy at his stag by running a sweep stake to pick the score of the Rugby (AB’s Vs Oz), so we all put in $20, John did not win but took all the money and spent it at the casino. The great thing is that John has identified his problem and is getting help, the 1st step was relocating to a city that does not have a casino.

JOHN HAS ALWAYS HAD A LOVE FOR MOWING LAWNS;

At varsity while most of the guys were saving there $’s for their next dozen of beer, John was busy saving his $’s for more petrol to feed his addiction of mowing lawns, considering the level of his passion/addiction, it is a true reflection of his love for Debbie that he is able to reside at a house without a lawn, however I do know that John was excited when he heard that Frank had 5 acres of property, but only to be deflated when he found out that none of it was in lawn.
Thank you (PT & dance instructor)

Now I acknowledge that John will be saying some thank you’s in his speech, however I would like to say a few; firstly to Johns PT, (he is devastated that he is unable to make it this evening) with what he had to work with he has done a supreme job. Also a huge thanks to Johns dance instructor, you’ll all be able to witness the results this evening. Great girl with a great mate It is always a great relief when a great mate marries a great girl, and today is a sensational example of this, I have admiration for what Debi has achieved within her career but I also give thanks and admire how Debi has transformed John, he used to be a staunch male but this sure has changed, this was proven when John informed me yesterday during a round of golf that he would be more than happy to take Debbies name if she wanted him to.
Be thanks to John for acting in such a way that guarantees him a life long positioning in the  top 10 GGG’s (Gary good guy’s).

It’s been bloody good having John Boffer as a mate over the last 20 yrs, they say that your mates define you and on that I am proud to have you as a mate, and am looking forward to what is going to be a friendship for life, also looking forward to getting to know your children in the near future and grand children a little further down the track.

Like to propose a toast, a toast to Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Drinking.
I Lye, I lye to save a friend
I Cheat, I cheat death
I Steal, I steal the heart from a young girl
I Drink, I drink to you my friends.