This speech was kindly donated by Roger. This speech was written in a few hours using the Best man speech workbook
Fornication!!!
(Put on glasses)
Sorry……for an occasion…… like this, I’m supposed to tell you about Alan. I looked up his date of birth, to see what exciting events happened on that date, there was absolutely nothing. Mind you, the hospital where he was born still call that day “ugly baby Tuesday”.
I didn’t know Alan at school, so I made some enquiries from friends and family, they said he was a bit of a slow developer. When he started junior school, he was different from the other 5 year olds, he was 13. And if you asked any of his teachers what they thought he’d be when he left school, they usually said, about 35.
I spoke to his work collegues, they now call him “GOD”, they never see him, and if he does any work it’s a bloody miracle.
I have to say, Al, how lucky you are today, you leave here with a wife who’s warm, tender, caring, generous and always willing to join in. Sue, you leave here with a lovely dress and a beautiful bunch of flowers.
I was honoured when Alan asked me to be his best man, but also very nervous. The last time I spoke in front of a room full of people, I was found guilty.
WRITE YOUR OWN UNIQUE BEST MAN SPEECH AND LEARN HOW TO DELIVER IT MASTERFULLY
Do you want to create your own unique best man speech and need some help to pull your ideas together in a logical speech with the polish of a toastmaster? Write a masterful best man speech that will entertain the audience without running the risk of offending anyone in less than 60 minutes.With that experience in mind, I have 3 pieces of advice for Sue and Alan;
Lie.
Steal.
Cheat.
Lie in the arms of the one you love.
Steal every moment of happiness life has to offer.
Cheat every adversity.
I had to get some advice for the best man’s speech, so of course I went to the internet. I found some terrific sites, but after about four hours,I remembered I was supposed to be looking at speeches. It wasn’t a complete waste of time though, I ended up with 2 Russian marriage proposals, some pictures of a transvestite biker, and an appointment for next Tuesday, with Miss Whiplash from Bayswater.
Alan is hard working, honest, generous, patient, good looking, sexy……..sorry, Al, I can’t read your writing.
Alan and I fish together, and we’re always trying to get a new P.B. That’s a Personal Best, we’re always looking to catch that bigger, better fish, well Al,
I think you leave here today with a new personal best that you won’t ever beat.
Talking of fishing, when we were fishing in France in April, I went into Alan’s tent to get something, and I discovered one of Sue and Alan’s little secrets:
These! (hold up underpants with padlock through flies.) They’re the chastity pants that Sue makes Alan wear when he’s away from home.
Now, I’ve heard there may be a few rogue keys around, so can I ask anyone who has a key, to surrender them, as Alan is now a married man. (four men brought up previously distributed keys, including one raving pouff.)
I was also told I had to give the best man’s toast to the bride and groom, so I saved you this from breakfast. (Hand over toast rack with 4 slices of toast.)
I must say the Bride and Bridesmaids look terrific, and the Ushers and Groomsmen have done a fantastic job, and Alan looks great, even if he did copy my outfit.
I know Sue and Alan appreciate you all being here to share in their special day, it’s amazing how far people will travel for a free meal and a couple of glasses of wine.
An emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
I’d like to close with a little ditty about another of Alan’s loves, Poker.
Tonight’s the big game,
Time to be The Man,
Sue’s gonna let you play good cards,
Instead of the same old hand,
But before you begin to play,
Make sure you dim the lights in there,
That way she can’t see you,
And find you’ve only a small pair,
After all these years,
I know you might be too fast,
But come on mate, it’s your wedding night,
You’ve got to make it last,
Don’t just put on your poker face,
And lay like a lump of coal,
After all, you want her to think,
She’s got an ace in the hole,
When the action gets hot,
And the sweat starts to pour,
She’ll think you’re only teasing,
And ask you for more,
Just look her in the eye,
And tell the truth with a grin,
“Honey, I have to say,
I’m all in.”
I have a couple of cards here, from people who couldn’t make it today, (take out cards.)
This one’s from the Tring Cricket Team, Congratulations, Alan and Sue, on your wedding day. We tried Al in every position, and he was
useless, hope you have better luck Sue.
And this one says; “To Big Al, we’ll all miss our Thursday night sessions Al, love from all the girls at the Peek-a-Boo Strip club, Watford.”
So please raise your glasses, and join me in wishing Sue and Alan, Love, Laughter, and Happy Ever After.
