Best Man Speech Seven

The Complete Best Man Speech Solution


Do you want to create your own unique best man speech and need some help to pull your ideas together in a logical speech with the polish of a toastmaster? Write a masterful best man speech that will entertain the audience without running the risk of offending anyone in less than 60 minutes.


A wise man once told me that a best man’s speech should last only as long as it takes the
groom to make love………so thank you ladies and gentlemen and good afternoon. [Sit down,
wait a second & then continue]
Hello, my name is Brent, can everybody hear me okay at the back? If so, I’ll have a Pint of
Seventy Shilling, thank you. I’m very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured
Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give John the most uncomfortable 10 minutes of
his life. Which, to be fair, is what he gives Jane every‐time they go to bed.
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual
innuendo, I’ve promised Jane and Jane that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out
immediately …

But first things first, it is my pleasure and privilege to respond on behalf of the bridesmaids.
And on their behalf I’d like to thank John for his kind words and gifts. I have to say that they
both look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. I would also like to thank the
Ushers who have been a great help in ensuring that the day has run as smoothly as possible.
I’m sure you will all agree that Jane is looking absolutely stunning, and Andy, well you just
look absolutely stunned.
Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Jane has
threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And John has threatened to cut it if I mention
anything about the stag weekend in Dublin.
John was born in ______________ [Grooms D.O.B], and I had a quick look on the Internet to see
what other events took place that year.___________________________________________
_________[events that took place in the year the Groom was born]. But the main event of____________ [Grooms
D.O.B] was the birth of the world’s first test tube baby, and isn’t he looking well ladies and
Also, during my research on the internet I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at
the three key elements of the wedding service itself: ‐
The Aisle ‐ it’s the longest walk you’ll ever take
The Alter ‐ the place where two become one
The Hymn ‐ the celebration of marriage
I think Jane must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past
me, I’m sure I heard her whisper Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn. “I’ll alter him”
[Little known story about the Groom]
Now, I was there the night John met his beautiful new bride. John and myself were in a
certain nightclub down at the beach and it was quite late on in the evening when John
noticed the object of his desire. A vision of beauty: with eyes that sparkled, a warm smile, a
firm bosom and a great pair of legs. So John approached his target and enquired, “May I
have the next dance?” But sadly I turned him down so he went off and danced with Jane
I’ve come to the conclusion that Best Man is just a fancy title for a Nanny!
As the Nanny I’ve had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, is sober, and looking good.
Well 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. After all, I’m the best man, not a plastic surgeon!
During the service today, I couldn’t help thinking that it’s funny how history repeats itself. I
mean, _______________________[Brides age here] years ago Jane family were sending her to
bed with a dummy and it’s happening again today.
As you have found out by now, a best man’s speech involves a collection of amusing stories
about the groom’s past. Although there are a couple of things that are really not supposed
to be mentioned at weddings, but I shall mention them anyway: ‐
First of all, John drink problem – well the main problem is that he can’t handle his drink.
Mind you his new wife and sister‐in‐law will be able to give him some good training.
And secondly, John ex‐girlfriends – I was warned about the potentially delicate duty of
keeping John Ex’s at bay today. But fortunately Foot and Mouth got rid of most of them two
years ago so no worries there.
So John and Jane you’ve finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite
appropriate as John couldn’t have done any better and Jane couldn’t have done any worse.
Now what are these you ask yourselves – well they’re John Chastity pants. [Hold up boxer
shorts & padlock] John has been making him wear these for the past four years keeping his
crown jewels securely under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made.
But rumour has it that copies were made of this key by John & he has been giving these keys
out to various ladies over the past few years without Jane knowing. If anyone out there has
any of these keys could we please have them back in now as John is married and
completely out of bounds to any girl but Jane. [Wait for keys to come back in] You dark
horse Andy! Here’s the rest I collected from over in [Your Country].
Speaking of___________________________ [Your Country]. Unfortunately I am not at liberty to
mention anything about the stag weekend, other than to say that the entertainment was
Jane, can I ask you to place your right hand on the table. John, can you place your right hand
on top of Jane right hand. Jane can you place your left hand on top and John can you place
your left hand on top of that. Make the most of it John, it’s the last time you are going to
have the upper hand.
So to finish, can I say best of luck to you both I really am absolutely delighted for both of
you. I hope you have a long and happy future together. And thank you John, it’s been an
honour to be your best man, and I look forward to speaking at your golden wedding
celebrations in________________ [50 years from now].
It now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast
to the New Mr & Mrs Smith.
To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple.